Chris Williamson - Sadia Khan

1) Sadia Khan explains how rejecting what we believe will reject us is a way to defend the ego when we have low self-esteem. People tend to quickly reject things so they can defend themselves against the possibility of new trauma. It's a trauma response stemming from low self-esteem. Dividing men and women has become common, and many creators use it to get popularity, sell something, and manipulate young people's vulnerabilities to sell to them. The current dating climate is purely focused on how to move on because people are learning how to make somebody jealous, how to play hard to get, and how to protect themselves.

2) Sadia discusses how men have not been encouraged to believe that they are worthy of love or acceptance and are thus turning to self-destructive behavior as coping mechanisms. She highlights how current culture and the internet shame men for wanting emotional connections, which has led them to believe that it is wrong to seek intimacy. Khan also explains that the most scientific and objective analysis of relationships was conducted by the Gottman Institution, who studied 10,000 couples in a lab over a couple of days and were able to predict divorce with 80% accuracy. The key predictor of divorce was the failure to respond to each other's bids for connection, which is becoming more prevalent due to distractions.

3) Sadia discusses the impact of having too many alternatives and becoming too self-focused in modern dating. She explains that the abundance of alternatives in every aspect of life, from food to entertainment, has led to people becoming disposable, and partners becoming less patient with each other's emotional needs. Society's focus on self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-actualization has made us more hedonistic, causing us to prioritize our own emotional needs over others. This results in people entering relationships with their guard up, playing games, and training partners to love them in the wrong way. Khan highlights the importance of praise in relationships, and how a substantial amount of praise compared to criticism leads to longer-lasting partnerships. She notes that men often crave praise and validation but don't receive it as often as women do, which can lead them to seek validation outside of the relationship.

4) Sadia explains how trauma affects the behavior of individuals in relationships. Childhood experiences of unmet needs prompt the individual to believe they are not worthy of investment. Consequently, they may cling to their partner or become completely independent, emotionally guarded and dismissive. These two trauma responses lead to extreme anxiety or avoidance. In therapy, clients learn that these responses are not a sign of love but a signal that something is wrong. Khan relabels the behavior so clients can understand their response and emotional needs. For men, this behavior may arise from emotionally distant parents causing them to assume that no one will meet their emotional needs.

5) Sadia discusses different dating archetypes and the reasons behind their behavior. She talks about how avoidant people push away the very people they love and attract clingy partners because they don't know how to navigate their need for validation and love alongside their trauma. She also touches on the issue of creating validation even when in a relationship, facilitated by social media, and how it relates to losing touch with oneself.

6) Sadia discusses the concept of leaving a legacy and how rejecting the desire to survive and reproduce may indicate a disconnection with one's true needs. Culture has influenced society's mindset towards having children, with people opting for alternative choices like the slow life strategy due to the immediate and obvious costs of having children. The culture of pleasure above everything else has resulted in fewer people having children, which is leading to a possible crisis of femininity and a lack of good role models for women.

7) Sadia discusses her views on modern-day feminism and its implications on dating and relationships. Khan feels that the feminism movement has become a class issue, more so than a gender issue, as privileged individuals who have not experienced true oppression are championing the movement. She explains that many of the beliefs held by feminists are luxury beliefs that women do not need and are held by those who are financially stable and do not live in dangerous situations. Khan cautions that dismantling codes of chivalry can be dangerous, especially as men can question why they should bother dating or protecting women.

8) Sadia discusses the importance of authenticity for women's mental health and self-control for men's psychological well-being. Khan argues that remaining authentic is vital for women, as it enables them to listen to their needs and avoid adopting values that do not align with their experiences. On the other hand, self-control is crucial for men, as it enables them to reject negative influences and avoid engaging in behaviors that may harm their self-esteem or relationships with others.

9) Sadia talks about the dangers of modern dating, specifically in Dubai. She explains that both men and women who bring only their looks, or money, respectively, find it difficult to meet people because of the incredibly high competition in the city. The environment is very distracting with many options, but studies have shown that more options mean less happiness. Dubai is especially a difficult place to find a meaningful partnership because it has endless distractions, and most people there are expats. Furthermore, the culture is not conducive to a calm and peaceful environment. Sadia also mentions that men who spoil women with possessions and not time are more likely to be cheated on because loyal women want to be spoiled by time, not possessions.