Lewis Howes - Jay Shetty

1) Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes discuss how conscious love can be practiced in a superficial way to avoid uncomfortable conversations and still look good, but in reality, it becomes harmful to the relationship as it prevents growth. They highlight that people often tend to control their partners under the guise of care in relationships, and this can be a subtle yet harmful trait. They emphasize the importance of understanding each other's values and goals instead of projecting one's own values onto another.

2) Jay and Lewis discuss the four warning signs that love is toxic. The first warning sign is control where someone tries to control their partner's behavior in a relationship. Next is comparison, where people may feel inadequate compared to someone else’s relationship. The third warning sign is complaining to family and friends, which creates a negative loop of complaining. Finally, the fourth warning sign is criticism where people criticize their partner's achievements or goals, making them feel unworthy and unwanted in the relationship.

3) Jay talks about the importance of auditing one's own behavior towards their partner in a relationship by observing how often they complain, compare, criticize or try to control, and also to audit their own internal dialogue regarding their partner. They suggest that in every relationship there are three relationships involved: one with oneself, one's partner and one with each other. Understanding and navigating these relationships is a key skill in mastering love.

4) Jay discusses the important factors in building a strong relationship. Shetty defines love as liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and being committed to helping them achieve their goals. He stresses the importance of checking in regularly on these three things, as well as knowing your partner's top three values and goals. Howes shares a personal anecdote about how he had to be courageous in communicating his values to his partner.

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5) Jay discusses the importance of setting priorities in a relationship and how prioritizing health, purpose, and service can actually make a partner feel like the most important person in the world. They also talk about the importance of not making your partner your sole purpose and instead allowing them to pursue their own passions and interests, as it is energizing and fulfilling for both parties. Additionally, they point out that a partner who is focused on their own well-being with a selfless spirit is more desirable than someone who is simply selfish.

6) Jay discusses the triggers that can arise in the process of intimacy and how to raise kids. They note that raising children can be more triggering than managing finances in a relationship because it evokes past traumas related to upbringing and parenting. These traumas can have an impact on how couples relate to their kids as they struggle to give their children what they feel they didn't receive as kids themselves. They emphasize that what's important is the love that we show to others, especiall your children, rather than the perfect environment we create for them.

7) Lewis and Jay discuss the importance of regularly investing in one's relationship to have a healthy and vibrant partnership. Jay starts by praising Lewis for all the self-work he has done over the past few years, which has led to positive outcomes in his relationship. He explains that a partner cannot become complacent and stop investing in the relationship after a certain point, as this can make a great relationship stale very quickly. Rather, partners should water, check and tend to their relationship daily, similar to how one would tend to a plant in a garden, requiring curiosity to keep it growing.

8) Lewis asks Jay to give a love letter to his younger self during a time where he felt shame, and Jay Shetty advises not to look for love in a Hollywood-romanticized way, but instead to focus on self-love and understanding who you are and what you want. In addition, Lewis also asks Jay what his 90-year-old self would say to his current self about love, and Jay responds by stating that the only love that will stand the test of time is the love for humanity and serving a purpose in helping others, ultimately measuring his life not by awards or trophies, but by how deeply he helped people love themselves.

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9) Jay and Lewis posit that it's essential to find balance and harmony in all areas of life, including relationships, health, and finances, to achieve a fulfilling spiritual journey. They challenge the notion that money is the root of all evil and instead suggest that it's time to change the narrative and make a commitment to use money for good.

10) Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes discuss the importance of remaining humble in one's journey in life. They note the need for constant vigilance and accountability in order to avoid becoming complacent about one's inner journey. Shetty emphasizes his personal mission to help facilitate others' journeys of transformation, while recognizing that there is always more work to be done. He also shares the value of surrounding oneself with individuals who have different values, such as his monk teachers who do not admire material possessions or wealth.

11) Jay and Lewis discuss the importance of being humble and receiving acknowledgment while still being confident. They talk about how it is essential to accept compliments and recognition gracefully as it is essential to show up in a big way. They also discuss the importance of having someone accountable for you in your life and also having a community that keeps you grounded and supports your growth.

12) Jay and Lewis discuss the importance of asking yourself certain questions to improve your self-awareness and attain self-love. The first question is about being of service and helping others. The second question is about identifying your strengths and what you love about yourself. The third and final question is about determining who you want to be and what areas of growth are still available. Additionally, they talk about the benefits of reminding yourself that you are exactly where you need to be, even during times of difficulty, and accepting the timing of life's lessons.

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13) Jay and Lewis discuss how to deal with failure. The first step is to not take rejection personally and understand that it's not necessarily about the individual. The rejection is usually a sign that there is something that needs to be improved upon, which can provide valuable feedback. Failure should not be used as a tool to prove someone else wrong; it should be a way to improve oneself for future endeavors. Similar to sports, individuals need to keep playing the game of life, even if they initially fail.

14) Jay and Lewis discuss the topic of failure and how people tend to define themselves by their failures. They suggest that people should distance themselves from the events and not attach their identity to the failure. People should take inspiration from the failures of successful people and study their lives to help develop resilience. By engaging with the pain of rejection, people can gain self-awareness and the motivation to adapt and grow, rather than trying to avoid the pain altogether.

15) Jay and Lewis discuss the importance of engaging with pain and discovering the underlying messages it carries. They give an example of a setback in Jay's podcast journey when his team pulled out two weeks before the launch, causing him immense pain. However, Jay didn't give up and used this setback as an opportunity to learn, grow, and build his own confidence. The process, they emphasized, is the prize, and it's crucial to focus on it instead of being internally validated by other people's opinions. They also recommend asking three questions to oneself when feeling overwhelmed: How can I serve today? What can I love about myself? Who do I want to become that I can love?