Rich Roll - Lisa Damour

1) Lisa discusses the challenges that come with understanding and providing what teenagers need during their adolescent years. Lisa, who has two teenagers, describes the disorienting experience of parenting teens and how difficult it can be to avoid personalizing their behavior. Understanding adolescent development, particularly the neurological changes that occur during puberty, can be helpful for parents to depersonalize teen behavior and give them a sense of perspective. She emphasizes that individuation is a necessary aspect of growing up and recognizes that for parents, it can be challenging to remain unreactive in chaotic moments with their teens.

2) Lisa discusses the challenges of parenting a teenager, particularly when the teenager starts to push away and becomes annoyed with everything the parent does. She stresses the importance of being present and listening to their complaints without necessarily trying to fix the problem or give advice. She also advises parents to avoid looking to their children for gratification and to be aware of their own needs and desires before their children hit adolescence. She explains the motivations behind her new book, which focuses on all teenagers, not just girls, and how the pandemic highlighted the challenges teenagers face when trying to become more independent and spend time with friends.

3) Lisa talks about the shift in cultural discourse surrounding mental health and the danger of equating mental health with constantly feeling good, calm, and happy. Although it is important for people to have those feelings, this definition raises a fragile position for parents and kids because it cannot encompass the complexity of mental health. She emphasizes the importance of making a distinction between distress and a mental health concern, and encourages people to view distress as integral to human functioning and growth, especially for teenagers. Experiencing something painful or making a mistake and facing the consequences can lead to rapid maturation and profound philosophical thinking.

4) Lisa discusses the importance of teenagersdeveloping skills to manage distress, allowing them to move freely and function autonomously in the world. They explain how emotional resilience cannot bedeveloped unless one puts oneself in positions to fail and grapple with the experience of failure, especially during the time when the brain is wiring at arapid rate. However, the challenge is for parents to decide when to interveneand when to allow the situation to unfold without intervening.

5) Lisa discusses the challenges of parenting teenagers and emphasizes the importance of being empathetic and attentive totheir emotional distress. She explains that teenagers often experience emotions at an extreme level, such as a failed test or lost friendship feeling disastrous. As parents, it is important not to react at their level or above it. Dr. Damour also notes that teenagers can be divided into two types, talkers or not talkers, and advises parents to encourage a balance of emotional expression and emotion regulation. She emphasizes that while it is uncomfortable, most teenagers are doing great as long as they are not at an extreme end of the expression/suppression spectrum.

6) Lisa discusses the importance of managing emotions in teenagers and discerning between healthy and problematic behavior. They advise parents to keep a cool head when their teen is exhibiting strong emotions and encourage them to express their frustration in ways that do not harm others or damage relationships. They also emphasize the importance of notholding grudges against teenagers and meeting them where they are emotionally.

7) Dr. Lisa Damour discusses the issue of teenagers being constantly distracted by technology to avoid addressing their emotions. When teenagers work hard to distract themselves, it can impact their ability to make friends or complete homework. Dr. Damour suggests that parents prioritize issues of substance abuse and constant distraction as a way to help their children. Additionally, teens are often in the process of developing independence and may not want to answer a parent's questions. However, waiting until parents are in bed can provide some teens the confidence they need to control the conversation, its content, and its end. Dr. Damour suggests that when handling these conversations, parents should avoid stepping into situations they cannot solve or situations that could worsen the communication with their child.

8) Lisa discusses the fleeting nature of childhood and the importance of building strong relationships with caring adults as the most powerful force for adolescent mental health. She discusses the importance of maintaining open channels of communication with teenagers and avoiding comparing them to others, as well as allowing them to self-regulate in healthy ways such as playing video games or taking a bath with essential oils. She emphasizes the need for parents to discern between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and to provide the support and guidance necessary for teenagers to navigate these challenges successfully.

9) Lisa discusses the importance of expanding our understanding of how kids can manage a bad day. Kids have many options to regulate emotions, and parents should not always gravitate towards the "come home and talk to me" script. Teens excel in regulating emotions, with music often being a massive factor. It can express and contain emotions, with sad and pump-up playlists being prime examples. Adolescents appreciate when adults show benign curiosity towards them, and someone genuinely interested in them can be disarming.

10) Lisa discusses the impact of the pandemic on teenagers' mental health. The isolation alone caused a lot of mental health issues among teenagers, and there was an increase in eating disorders and anxiety. Although the long-term impact is still being studied, they have seen chronic absenteeism from school and an explosion of School truancy across all districts. The CDC report indicated an increase in loneliness and despair among teenagers. Anecdotally, most teenagers are looking like teenagers, and a lot of kids have been knocked off their developmental trajectory by the pandemic. However, they are still concerned that parents will be terrified by the report's headlines, which may not make it easier for teenagers to deal with their emotions.

11) Lisa discusses gender differences in processing difficult times and self-report studies. Girls tend to report their negative emotions, while boys tend not to do so and instead may act out. This affectsthe viability of self-report studies, which are skewed towards female responses that show significant levels of distress. Boys do not report much distress, but can mask their sadness by withdrawing from the situation. Social media also plays a role in teenage mental health, as its algorithm-driven nature presents images and norms to teenagers that may compromise their mental health. The psychologist worries that social media can shift the norms for teenagers and change their perception of what is typical.

12) Lisa discusses the importance of social connections and stimulation for teenagers, particularly during the pandemic. She discusses how teenagers adapt creatively, such as leaving FaceTime calls on in the background while they do their homework to feel connected with someone else. However, she acknowledge the risks of technology, such as the emotional pain caused by social media, particularly for younger teens who struggle with establishing their identity. She suggest that parents offer support and guidance, particularly for younger teenagers who are still working on their social identity.

13) Lisa focuses on the importance of connection with caring adults outside the home for teenagers. The pandemic has exacerbated the dissolution of the village notion of how we live, where teenagers have lost the chance of interacting with their mentors, coaches, and teachers. This hasadded to the crisis of youth mental health that was already due to the denigration of the notion of the community. Even though we have acclimatized tothe new lifestyle habits post-pandemic, we are still in the wake of it, andadults can make meaningful connections with teenagers either through mentorshipor by being an incredible neighbor, boss, or relative.

14) Lisa discusses the balance between warmth andstructure that teenagers need. While teenagers appreciate structure, they alsoneed to feel loved and know that their parents like them. Enforcing rulesthat make sense and being predictable can provide both the structure and warmthneeded for a healthy family dynamic. Dr. Damour emphasizes the importance ofhonesty with teenagers, who are finely attuned to detect dishonesty andhypocrisy. Playing your cards face up even if they don't like the cards is muchbetter than bluffing.

15) The pandemic has created a loss of innocence aroundhow the world operates, which has jolted teenagers. There are many teens whoare very anxious every day due to concerns about climate change, gun violence,and other factors, and thus follow the news constantly, which feeds into theiranxiety. The constant exposure to media creates a more jarring impact than pastevents as teens are exposed to media all day long. The anxiety can turn intoavoidance and withdrawal, which can further increase anxiety levels.

16) Lisa gives some advice on how to persuade teenagersto remove technology, especially their phones, from their rooms to improvetheir sleep quality. She explains that introducing the idea as an experimentfor two to three weeks might be a good strategy to get teenagers to agree.However, she also mentions that teenagers like to know the reasoning behindit, so parents can explain that technology in the bedroom affects their sleepquality. She adds that researchers found that people could not sleep as wellbecause a small part of their energy was focused on not engaging with thenearby device. Rich Roll also discusses the challenges of being a dad to ateenager and meeting all of the expectations that come with it.

17) Lisa discusses the challenges of being a parent toa teenager and the importance of providing warmth and structure to them. Whileit is difficult to be an A plus parent every day, parents who aim for a Baverage in terms of being present and engaged with their children and creatinga predictable environment will see their kids thrive. Guilt and fear do notimprove parenting, and parents should avoid comparing themselves to other"super dads" on social media. Instead, parents can have effectiveconversations with their teenagers by acknowledging their own struggles withmanaging technology and being emotionally available to them. Parents,especially dads, should make an effort to create parity between emotionalavailability to themselves and their partners.

18) The polarization over the topic is strong, withmany disagreements about what laws and policies should govern it. Psychologically,it is important to recognize that each individual is unique in their needs andshould be treated as such. There is no "one way" to address suchconcerns, and clinicians must take into consideration each child, their family,and their circumstances before making any judgments or providing support.Overall, the important thing is to approach the child with empathy and try tounderstand their perspective to best help them.

19) Lisa explains that data has shown that for parentsto take an affirming stance is the best way to protect their child's mentalhealth. Being compassionate and attentive are important actions that shouldbe taken by parents. Speaking about medical interventions, university-basedclinics can offer parents a lot of information about how things may unfold fortheir child, as they have seen many similar cases. For those who can access it,a university-based resource center is the most reliable and current body ofwisdom. One important advice about parenting that the speaker has is that whenteenagers come to their parents, upset about something, all they really wantand need from their parents is to listen and be empathetic, to really tune inand give them the level of attention that they need.