Steven Bartlett - Dr. Robert Waldinger

1) Dr. Robert Waldinger talks about the Harvard study of adult development, a groundbreaking research that analyzes the same people throughout their entire adult lives for over 85 years, covering areas such as mental health, physical health, work life, and relationships. Started in 1938 to understand good and normal development by studying 19-year-old Harvard college students and boys from Boston's troubled backgrounds, this study prides itself as being one of the longest studies of human life.

2) Waldinger discusses how the unique brains of the participants who have passed away from the study help to deepen understanding of human happiness. Unlike typical brain collections that result from major brain issues such as Dementia or tumors, the brains in this study were from participants that led normal lives, allowing for a greater understanding of what their brain activity was like over the course of their adult lives. Additionally, Dr. Waldinger notes that the study's biggest and most surprising finding is the importance of relationships in maintaining happiness and health, especially as he began prioritizing his own relationships once he became more aware of the study's findings.

3) Waldinger emphasizes how culture gives people false messages about what brings happiness, such as consumerism. Although advertisements convey that materialistic things bring joy, in reality, connections with loved ones lead to happiness. When two people show interest in each other, through conversation, it creates a sense of belonging and satisfies a connection that everyone yearns for. Dr. Waldinger explains how the three things that individuals are most wrong about regarding happiness are fame, wealth, and achievement. People strive for these things, but it does not bring long-term happiness.

4) The discussion explores the dangers of comparing oneself to others and the desire to strive for permanence and significance as a cause of anxiety. Comparison leads to the subconscious desire to play a game that causes suffering because there is always the constant threat of falling short and losing. The brain naturally engages in comparisons to make snap decisions and to understand the value of things. However, humans live in a changing world that was not designed for their brains, and the increase of screens and technology could make people unhappy. The solution lies in being as adaptable, intentional, and accepting as possible.

5) Robert discusses how the digital world and social media have evolved to exploit human brains' attention, making it challenging to be intentional enough to turn away and turn towards real-time contact with others. He explains that people often want to change their state by gambling or consuming sugar or carbs, which provide temporary relief. However, he suggests that instead of grabbing the next thing to make oneself feel better, be present for the malaise and then watch it pass.

6) Robert discusses the importance of connections and relationships in our lives and the impact they have on our health outcomes. He notes that having an intimate connection with at least one person, whether it be a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or an adult child, can help manage stress and negative emotions, leading to longer life expectancy. Stress hormones like cortisol and inflammation can harm various body systems and increase the likelihood of getting diseases like type 2 diabetes or breaking down coronary arteries. The discussion highlights why people need to maintain healthy relationships to stay healthy both mentally and physically.

7) Waldinger discusses the importance of human relationships and how being in toxic relationships can affect one's well-being. He states that relationships are crucial to the stimulation of brain pathways and that good relationships can prevent early onset dementia. However, he cautions that one size does not fit all, and that discernment is necessary in determining whether to stay in or end toxic relationships. Additionally, successful relationships are characterized by authenticity and allowing each other to change and grow over time.

8) Robert discusses the importance of supporting each other in exploring new things and taking risks in relationships. He notes that many relationships fail due to unrealistic expectations that people have of their partners. Catching each other doing good is another piece of advice that he often shares. By practicing gratitude, we can alter our negatively biased mindsets and appreciate the small things that our loved ones do for us. Additionally, Dr. Waldinger highlights that people spend almost half of their waking hours thinking about something other than the current task and that this trend is associated with unhappiness. He concludes by emphasizing the importance of focusing on the task at hand and avoiding multitasking to be more productive.

9) Robert discusses the concept of multitasking and the importance of finding a flow state. He explains that multitasking is not efficient and can be a waste of energy, as our brains take time to switch between tasks. Instead, he encourages people to find a flow state or activity that brings them joy and makes time pass effortlessly, whether it's playing music, painting, or working in a garden. This state of flow not only nourishes us but also gives us a sense of peace and equanimity. Waldinger emphasizes that people should find what works for them and not force themselves into a particular practice, such as meditation, if it doesn't resonate with them.

10) Robert shares insights from research studies about the importance of having friends in the workplace. Only 30% out of the 15 million workers surveyed by Gallup worldwide had a best friend at work. However, those who did reported being more productive, earning more money, and were less likely to leave their job. Contrary to what many leaders believe, socializing at work can have a significant impact on increasing wellness, happiness, and productivity. Waldinger advises that investing in community-building activities like sports teams or reading groups can improve not only physical health but also psychological health, which should be a priority for employers, especially with the current trend of remote working.

11) Robert discusses the common sense of not being enough and the larger issue of self-criticism. Often, people come to see him with depression, anxiety, or a sense of meaninglessness. He doesn't immediately reach for his prescription pad, instead, he talks with them and helps them unburden themselves. The psychiatrist helps them understand and normalize their experiences, and often, this alone can ease their symptoms. He believes that the people who can be helped are the ones who are willing to look inward and inquire about their own role in their difficulties.

12) Robert discusses how people who can be helped are those who are able to take responsibility for their own contribution to their troubles and are willing to modify their behavior. Those who avoid responsibility are often the people who feel the most vulnerable and self-aggrandizing, who put up a rigid defense because they cannot entertain the idea that they are fallible and can make mistakes. Dr. Waldinger's framework for deciding how to invest his time is driven by his vow to serve others and to alleviate suffering. This mission gives his life purpose, along with being with his family and friends; ultimately, the point of life is what we make of it.

13) Robert explains that he has spent much of his adult life prioritizing relationships because people matter to each other and will ultimately be extinct. He also discussed some of the things he has gotten wrong and how he has learnt from those experiences. When asked what things he would introduce or ban to lead us all to have greater levels of fulfillment and happiness, he says he would introduce massive support for children and people who take care of children because studies have shown that investing in children from age zero to four brings a huge payoff. Finally, he advises people to invest in all kinds of relationships, including casual peripheral ones, as many benefits are bound to come back to them.

14) Robert discusses the importance of maintaining social connections beyond one's close relationships and how it can be difficult for some individuals to nurture peripheral relationships. The importance of checking in with oneself to see what is needed in terms of social connections is highlighted, and it is noted that there is no one-size-fits-all approach as individuals have different social needs. The notion of social fabrics breaking down in more traditional societies and individuals seeking economic opportunities elsewhere is also discussed.