Steven Bartlett - Simon Sinek

1)      Simon Sinek opens up about his struggles with loneliness and communication, highlighting the importance of building deep and meaningful relationships with friends. He notes that many people are ill-equipped to be there for a friend who's struggling, as the first mistake people make is trying to fix the problem rather than just being there for them. Simon also discusses how the modern world and its easy access to dating apps make it challenging to find and maintain love, and how he's shifting away from public speaking to explore new opportunities. He explains that he loves a difficult situation and is testing new ideas, but it's an unknown journey for him.

2)      Simon Sinek talks about his journey as a speaker and how he is now looking to pivot himself to have a significant impact again. He also discusses how COVID has created a new market place for online work, which has allowed him to reach more people. On the personal side, he shares his thoughts on mental health and how he likes to call it mental fitness because it is a continuous work in progress. He talks about how he allows himself to have negative feelings like loneliness and how he has learned to manage them during COVID. Simon also shares a story about one of his early career experiences where he was invited to speak at an event that could either set his career for life or ruin it.

3)      Simon opens up about losing his train of thought during a talk and the panic that ensued. Rather than suppressing the feeling, he was open with the audience about how he was feeling, and the audience responded positively. He now realizes the importance of being open about struggling with loneliness, and how feeling down is simply a part of mental fitness. He emphasizes the need to teach people how to help each other and the importance of social connection.

4)      Sinek discusses how people should reach out to friends and not try to fix their problems. He believes that people lack the skills to help their friends with mental fitness, leading to society's struggle to build deep, meaningful relationships. Sinek mentions his personal rule with friends of "no crying alone" and explains the importance of having someone sit with you when you feel alone. He opens up about his own struggles with loneliness, his career path making him undateable and managing ADHD. Sinek believes that having skills to help our friends struggling with mental fitness is our society's responsibility.

5)      Simon discusses his struggles with relationships and how his ADHD has affected his ability to communicate effectively in intimate relationships. He explains how stonewalling is a common occurrence for people with ADHD, where they have nothing substantive to add when someone is sharing something with them, and how this can inadvertently cause conflict. He shares his realization that people with such difficulties in a professional setting are different from those in a relationship. Sinek expresses his annoyance at himself for not having these relationship skills earlier and mourning some lost opportunities. He talks about the importance of being there for a friend who is struggling and the significance of emotions in our lives. Lastly, he discusses how optimism and loneliness can exist simultaneously and how optimism does not necessarily mean that we cannot be in dark places.

6)      Sinek shares how he manages his feelings of loneliness by proactively reaching out to friends instead of waiting for them to call him. He stresses the importance of having empathetic friends who can sit in the mud with you and hold space without trying to "fix" you. Sinek shares how some of the best-equipped friends he has are from the military, who have been taught to manage their emotions effectively. He also talks about the honour of being able to serve a friend in need and the importance of co-creating relationships. He acknowledges that there's no prescription for managing loneliness, and it requires ongoing effort and work.

7)     Sinek talks about how his sense of purpose and vision guided him to ignore the finite-minded advice of an ex-girlfriend, who wanted him to hit specific targets. He highlights that his North Star was responsible for his ultimate success, and that he disconnected himself from arbitrary time-based achievement. He explains that starting with"why" and following the law of diffusion of innovations is what attracted early adopters and made the tipping point. Sinek then touches on the topic of loneliness and explains that he cannot answer those questions, but philosophically, he believes people can help themselves by being willing to save the life of someone they don't like but love and trust.

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8)      Simon talks about the importance of building trust in order to effectively use command and control when necessary. He explains that trust is built over time, especially in the workplace or in a situation where people need to rely on each other, and it cannot be forced. He also discusses the use of command and control in times of chaos, such as during combat or the pandemic lockdown, and how it must be earned by leaders who have first built trust with their team. Sinek also emphasizes the importance of practicing mindfulness and meditation to be more present and attentive to others, as this helps to build better relationships and improve communication skills.

9)      Simon discusses the importance of self-awareness and how to develop it. He emphasizes the difference between introspection with accountability and victimization or victimhood. He also shares his experience of sitting down with an ex and having a conversation that dissected their relationship with accountability instead of accusation. He believes that feedback is an essential aspect of becoming more self-aware, and we must take accountability for our actions instead of blaming others.

10)   Simon discusses the idea of calling an ex and owning up to your mistakes in the relationship. He suggests that it can be a valuable opportunity to learn how you showed up in the relationship and gain insight that you may not have had before. Sinek also touches on the idea that the modern world has made finding love more complicated by treating it like shopping and creating a mentality of always searching for something better. He warns of the dangers of lonely men and how it can lead to terrorism and violence.

11)   Simon discusses the relationship between loneliness, sex, and dating apps. He explains that, in a shame-based society, many young men living at home and unemployed have never had sex, which leads to immense pressure and frustration at a certain age. This can manifest in unhealthy ways such as exerting control. Sinek goes on to argue that dating apps aren't fair and that the traditional way of meeting someone in real life should not be neglected. He emphasizes that even though there is nothing wrong with online dating, people still like to browse in brick and mortar stores as it is more than just transactional. He concludes that imbalance is the root cause of discomfort, frustration, and anger and that maintaining balance in all aspects of life is crucial to addressing these issues.

12)   Sinek discusses the layers of vulnerability he has peeled off in his relationship with his girlfriend. He explains that he has started telling her about his bad days and feelings of anxiety and has noticed a deeper connection and understanding between them as a result. Sinek emphasizes the importance of allowing others to sit with us in our struggles to build deeper relationships, and he encourages leaders to be vulnerable and take the lead in setting the example for opening up to others. Additionally, he emphasizes the need for individuals to educate their partners on how they want to be held in difficult moments.

13)   Sinek talks about his struggle with loneliness and how he dealt with it by opening up to his girlfriend. He explains how he used to shut down when he was dealing with something, and his girlfriend would ask him irrelevant questions that made him feel worse. However, they formed a deal to create a safe space, and he learned to communicate better with her, approaching her in a tone of love and empathy. They found a solution together and understood each other. Additionally, he spoke about how business partnerships, personal relationships, and friendships are acts of co-creation. He reflected on his bad dating choices when he had a checklist and how he has fewer deal-breakers than he previously thought, such as wanting someone who is service-oriented, growth and improvement, integrity, and passionate about something. His friend shared similar deal-breakers of sexual attraction, intellectual stimulation, and making each other better people.

14)   Simon discusses the three things that great relationships are based on: intellectual compatibility, emotional compatibility, and sexual compatibility. Sinek also adds in a fourth component, circumstances, which refers to timing and location. He explains that while you can have a good relationship with one or two of these things, a great relationship requires all three. Sinek acknowledges that he has dated people who had only two of the three components and reminds viewers of the importance of personal accountability in presenting oneself in a relationship. The conversation stresses the need for open-mindedness and a willingness to learn from each other, even if you do not share the same interests or beliefs.

15)   Sinek talks about the importance of communication and co-creation in a successful relationship. He emphasizes how listening and effectively communicating are necessary tools for building a strong partnership. He also shares how heartbreak, loneliness, and pain can teach individuals about themselves, their needs, and their desire for others to showup for them. Through learning and understanding, he believes that individuals can equip themselves with tools to better build relationships and handle challenging situations. Additionally, Sinek shares how he has broken down walls and become more aware of his symptoms of ADHD to enhance his ability to communicate in relationships.

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16)  Sinek discusses the importance of co-creation in relationships and how it's the key to successful and healthy ones. He emphasizes the idea of asking for help and being open to feedback while being accountable for one's own actions. He compares relationships to the military, where the joy and honour come from serving and being there for each other, even during tough times. Additionally, Sinek talks about the need to avoid trying to fix everything for the other person and instead hold space for them, something that requires skill set and practice.

17)  Sinek talks about how public speaking and conversations are forgiving. Though the grammar or the subject can be irrelevant, people are often patient and responsive. Sinek also emphasizes that when a conversation goes wrong, it is fixable and correctable, unlike texts, that can turn ugly. He then talks about his iceberg model of success, where he measures success by momentum rather than by achievement. His vision is to have a world where every individual wakes up inspired, feels safe wherever they are and ends the day fulfilled by their work. He states that he likes difficult and uncomfortable problems and wants to contribute to them. He wants to put in place systems where his work can be continued even without him and he can die confident that he contributed to a better world.

18)  Steven and Simon discusses the importance of finding meaning and purpose in life, and how it differs for different people.According to Sinek, it's not just about feeling good, but about knowing that the work you're doing is going to places you never imagined it would go, and having a positive impact on others. He shares a personal story about visiting Afghanistan during the war, and how the experience taught him to appreciate life and the importance of having a sense of meaning. Ultimately, Sinek believes that everyone should strive to find meaning in their lives, no matter how difficult the journey may be.

19)   Sinek recounts a difficult experience when he was stuck in Afghanistan without a sense of purpose, unsure if he would be able to get a flight home or contact his family. As he struggled with panic and paranoia, he attempted to invent a sense of purpose for himself and eventually resolved to serve those who were serving others. In doing so, he found peace and even excitement, and this new found purpose led to a remarkable coincidence in which he, along with two others, were able to catch a flight that was supposed to be carrying the flag-draped casket of a fallen soldier who had just been honored in a ceremony.

20)  Simon recounts his experience of bringing home a casket flag of a fallen soldier which taught him about true purpose being the opportunity to serve those who serve others. On the flight home, he met a wounded Marine in a very bad shape with doctors tending to him, and he asked one of the doctors if he feels differently while attending to these missions than working back home. The doctor responded that although he saves lives for a living, working on these missions during his reserve hours is more powerful than any feeling he ever gets when he's working back home. Sinek also highlights the difference between private and public sectors' attitude towards someone who is struggling, where people in the private sector may say"take your time" on the other hand, these people who understand service truly means say "go on" and are with you.

21)  Simon discusses his belief in living a life of service towards those who serve others. He emphasizes the importance of serving those who devote their lives to helping others and views it as a moral responsibility.

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