Steven Bartlett - Tracey Cox

1) Tracey Cox discusses how to maintain desire in a long-term relationship by emphasizing the need for "otherness" and separateness in a relationship. She also addresses the importance of appearance and intellectual attraction in maintaining a strong sexual connection with a partner. Cox believes that couples have an obligation to care for themselves physically and mentally in order to keep the physical attraction and desire alive, but warns that being negative and miserable will make a person unattractive to their partner.

2) Tracey  talks about the importance of having an interesting life and doing interesting things in order to have great sex. Routine and boredom in a relationship can be the enemy of killer sex, and it's especially true for women who find monogamy boring faster than men do. She explains that only 20% of women can climax through penetrative sex, and if they're not having interesting and erotic sex, women's desire for sex goes down faster than men's. Cox advises that couples talk about sex and be open with each other to solve sex problems, using the "compliment sandwich" method of giving positive feedback before and after addressing the issue.

3) Cox advises that communication is key in a satisfying sex life and encourages couples to talk about their desires and concerns. She stresses that women don't orgasm through intercourse alone, and men should not worry about lasting long enough. She suggests women should be specific with their instructions, and men typically respond better to clear instructions. Although some men may find criticism disruptive, Cox says most people are receptive to sexual instruction given in a positive and specific framework.

4) Tracey advises that instructional sessions about what works and doesn't work sexually should happen in a positive manner with demonstrations on the hand or other non-threatening ways. She suggests discussing trying new things outside the bedroom and not during sex, with compromise being key, especially if one partner has a fetish, where finding a middle ground is necessary. Cox also shares her experience with a sexless relationship, where fear derived from previous relationships was at the core of her partner's sexual aversion, which could only be resolved by removing the fear and building trust. The couple was able to have the best sex of their lives after resolving the underlying issue.

5) Tracey discusses the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire and how it affects couples' sex lives. Most men have spontaneous desire, whereas most women have responsive desire, which means they need to be stimulated first to feel any desire for sex. Women often think their sex drive is gone when they don't feel spontaneous desire, but they need to understand that it's still there and they need to create desire by having great stimulation and great sex. Additionally, women do not necessarily want tame or romantic sex, and research shows that they like erotic, wild sex.

6) Tracey emphasizes the importance of giving interesting and exciting sex to keep the flame alive in a long-term relationship. She cites Fifty Shades of Grey as an example of how an interesting scenario can reignite erotic sex with a partner, and suggests that it's important to have the conversation about wanting to have better sex. Cox also suggests taking baby steps when trying to reconnect sexually, instead of having one long marathon sex session. Finally, she mentions how not addressing the breakdown of sex in a relationship can lead to turning towards pornography as a replacement, which is not ideal.

7) Tracey expresses concern about how porn is influencing young men's expectations of sex and how this can lead to unsatisfying sexual encounters for both men and women. She warns that setting unrealistic expectations can lead to unhappiness in the bedroom and can cause one partner to cheat or leave the relationship. She advises couples to have a conversation about their sexual needs and desires, offering education as a potential solution. However, she acknowledges that sometimes one partner may refuse to have sex and in this case, there are options such as solo sex, cheating, or seeking sex elsewhere, which require communication and agreement between both partners.

8) Tracey discusses the current state of sex in society and how there is a "sex recession" due to having too many distractions and things to do. This has also led to less face-to-face communication, making people nervous about sex. The rise of AI and sex dolls is also a rapidly emerging industry. While this can be beneficial for those who are lonely, it may ultimately lead to a decline in population and less intimacy and challenge in relationships. She expresses concern over our tendency to choose short-term instant gratification over the benefits of long-term connection and companionship.

9) Tracey discusses the possibility of incorporating artificial intelligence and robotics into sexual experiences, citing a scene from the film Blade as a potential example of a future technology. However, she also expresses hope that the attitudes towards sex are changing in a positive direction, especially with younger generations of women who have fewer sexual hang-ups. Cox predicts that this will lead to more interesting and equal sexual relationships, where both partners communicate about their needs and desires. She also highlights the negative impact of body image on women's sexual confidence and suggests working on self-esteem to improve enjoyment of sex.

10) Tracey emphasizes the importance of feeling desired by your partner in order to enjoy great sex. However, if you don’t feel great about yourself, your partner’s desire towards you may go unnoticed. Cox suggests that the solution is not necessarily getting a facelift, losing weight, or doing your hair, but rather boosting your sexual confidence by having more sex. Through sexual activity, your brain goes on a subconscious level where it begins to rationalize the thoughts, making you feel more and more desirable.

11) Tracey explains that the wrong way of initiating sex might make your partner say no to sex, which doesn't mean they don't want sex. People say no to sex because they are being warmed up the wrong way. Cox highlights the fundamental issue that people assume sex will take care of itself and they ignore the importance of educating themselves about sex. Additionally, the female response system to orgasm is difficult, and vibration can stimulate it the best, and young men will often ask their female partners whether they can use the vibrator or whether the woman can use it herself. Cox argues that people should put effort into their sex life, just like they put effort into everything else.

12) Tracey discusses the importance of having a conversation when one partner desires sex more than the other and labels it as the most accurate predictor of a relationship's success. Cox states that if affection and sex stop completely, it may lead to trouble in the relationship. She suggests having a chat to make sure that what's on offer is good sex and involves looking at whether the person who does not want sex has any childhood issues or past sexual traumas, both of which could be treated. Additionally, Cox suggests that taking sex back to basics, doing the Sensate Focus program and communicating are some of the ways to improve the situation.

13) Tracey explains that relationship problems, age, and infidelity are not interdependent. Cheating occurs due to opportunities, temptations, and moral code. Also, Cox believes that the most compatible couples have compatible life goals, and this is important for a harmonious relationship. There is a stereotype that men cheat more than women, and monogamy is more difficult for men. However, studies show that these are not true. On the other hand, kids are terrible for sex, and people should keep pace with their sexual relations to avoid them from taking a back seat. After the first year, non-parents are happier over time than parents, says Cox.

14) Tracey discusses how childhood experiences can greatly impact one's attitudes towards sex and intimacy, even going as far as affecting physical aspects such as rapid ejaculation. Cox suggests that going to therapy is one way of addressing these issues, but also recommends looking for resources online such as books such as "Sex Smart" and delving into the many articles and videos available. She also addresses the difficulties many high achieving women face when it comes to dating, as they are often seeking partners who are also high achievers, but the number of high achieving men is decreasing, leaving a smaller pool to choose from. Cox suggests that women may need to think outside the box when it comes to dating in order to find compatible partners.

15) Tracey discusses how high achieving women may struggle to find suitable partners due to rigid expectations of their potential partner’s financial resources and education. She advises that women should broaden their horizons and seek someone compatible with their personality, instead of just looking for someone with a high-paying job or university degree. Additionally, she recommends that men should not feel threatened by a woman's success and women should not be rigid in their expectations of men being the primary provider. Cox highlights the need for high-achieving women to accept that they cannot have everything and must compromise on certain aspects of their life if they wish to find a suitable partner.

16) Tracey describes the importance of making an effort to meet new people and find potential partners, whether it's through dating apps or other means. She goes on to explain that sex isn't just about intercourse, but rather any feeling, word, or thought that makes you feel aroused. Cox also touches on the topic of monogamy and how it may not be natural for our sex drive, but it provides predictability and security that some people seek in a relationship.

17) Tracey reflects on her career and upbringing while also sharing her inner lack of confidence, which stems from being left alone and feeling abandoned at a young age. Despite her lack of inner confidence, she is confident in her abilities as a sex expert and recognizes the importance of healthy relationships in overall well-being. She commends the work she does in helping people connect with one another and confront sexual issues. The discussion ends on a lighthearted note with Tracey discussing her love for chocolate-flavored heels and enjoying the nutritious option they provide.